hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
