My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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