so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
