I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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