I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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