Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
two words: eviction party
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
