when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
