Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
