when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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