between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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