Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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