apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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