I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
