is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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