Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
