He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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