Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
