How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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