fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
