we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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