He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
that may or may not have been my penis.
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