I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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