I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
