Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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