He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
