Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
