I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
