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You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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