Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
