I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
