I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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