pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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