There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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