The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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