so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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