Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
