if i can run in heels then i can drive
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
