I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
