I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My cat gives me a boner
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
