Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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