if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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