It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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