so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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