And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
