Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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