I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
