yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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