u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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