I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
