i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
