dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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