Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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