The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
