the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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