omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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