Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
