there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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