Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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