Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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