the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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