I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
