he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
