I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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